Ask Teacher Sandi
FAQ:
Parents are encouraged to ask their unique questions concerning their child's development in the home as well as at school. Contact Thistlegarten's founder at [email protected] or leave a message below. The following page is a collection of questions previously submitted and frequently asked. Please feel free to comment and submit your own.
Changing Schools; Saying "No"; Commitments
Q: Do we need to tell our child we’re taking him out of school due to certain circumstances that may arise?
A: If a family change is coming up it is best to be honest with your child about the facts as soon as you know them. Just whisking them away without acknowledgment can be very harmful. Children need time to prepare themselves, too. They become very attached to their new school playmates, teachers, and toys. This is their security away from home. They bond with their school and are a part of the school environment, just as that environment becomes a part of them. Children also need information on why change is being made. Closure is needed in the goodbyes that are exchanged. Otherwise, a secure world can be severely rattled and “change” becomes this scary bugaboo carried into later life. Children in this egocentric time of their lives can even blame themselves for “something they did” which caused this upheaval of security. Trying to protect the child (or yourself) from any feelings that go along with a move will do damage in the long run. So…talk, prepare, listen. Then say goodbye.
Q: How do I get my child to do something other than say “No”?
A: Humor is the savior here! We are all aware that this is the stage of autonomy wherein a child is exploring her mighty power to command the world. But sometimes this stage appears to go on incessantly and it is imperative that the parent reclaims control. How? When a child utters “no” to something give her at least two choices: Either you pick up your toys or I will help you choose which one to give away to a child who needs toys; give a consequence: When you have picked up your toys we can sit down and play a game together and have ice cream. The idea is to present the first choice as the most favorable in order to avoid a negative reinforcement or else acquire a positive reinforcement. By having the child choose, she still feels empowered and her autonomy stays intact. Other times, when a child announces “no” a sense of humor can come to the rescue with an impish hug from the parent who turns the “no” around with all sorts of playfulness. The worst we can do as parents is to fall into the trap of taking it so seriously we become angry…this leads to The Great Wall of a Million No’s”!
Q: I’ve signed my child up for a recreation course and then on the day it begins he decides he doesn’t want to continue…what do I do?
A: So many parents feel that whatever their child wants, their child gets to do. Thus begins a horrible string of events in which the parents are at the mercy of their child’s whims. Whatever happened to the sense of commitment? When we are challenged with something new, where is the follow-through? What are we teaching our children in the scheme of life and any learning experience if quitting mid-stream is allowed and justified? Stick it out and glean from the experience unless there is a gross misrepresentation of the course. Chances are it is simply the child’s mood or energy or frustration level that is at play when they don’t want to go…continue at least 3 or 4 times to get a real evaluation. And at the same time stress a positive value to commitment for those times.
A: If a family change is coming up it is best to be honest with your child about the facts as soon as you know them. Just whisking them away without acknowledgment can be very harmful. Children need time to prepare themselves, too. They become very attached to their new school playmates, teachers, and toys. This is their security away from home. They bond with their school and are a part of the school environment, just as that environment becomes a part of them. Children also need information on why change is being made. Closure is needed in the goodbyes that are exchanged. Otherwise, a secure world can be severely rattled and “change” becomes this scary bugaboo carried into later life. Children in this egocentric time of their lives can even blame themselves for “something they did” which caused this upheaval of security. Trying to protect the child (or yourself) from any feelings that go along with a move will do damage in the long run. So…talk, prepare, listen. Then say goodbye.
Q: How do I get my child to do something other than say “No”?
A: Humor is the savior here! We are all aware that this is the stage of autonomy wherein a child is exploring her mighty power to command the world. But sometimes this stage appears to go on incessantly and it is imperative that the parent reclaims control. How? When a child utters “no” to something give her at least two choices: Either you pick up your toys or I will help you choose which one to give away to a child who needs toys; give a consequence: When you have picked up your toys we can sit down and play a game together and have ice cream. The idea is to present the first choice as the most favorable in order to avoid a negative reinforcement or else acquire a positive reinforcement. By having the child choose, she still feels empowered and her autonomy stays intact. Other times, when a child announces “no” a sense of humor can come to the rescue with an impish hug from the parent who turns the “no” around with all sorts of playfulness. The worst we can do as parents is to fall into the trap of taking it so seriously we become angry…this leads to The Great Wall of a Million No’s”!
Q: I’ve signed my child up for a recreation course and then on the day it begins he decides he doesn’t want to continue…what do I do?
A: So many parents feel that whatever their child wants, their child gets to do. Thus begins a horrible string of events in which the parents are at the mercy of their child’s whims. Whatever happened to the sense of commitment? When we are challenged with something new, where is the follow-through? What are we teaching our children in the scheme of life and any learning experience if quitting mid-stream is allowed and justified? Stick it out and glean from the experience unless there is a gross misrepresentation of the course. Chances are it is simply the child’s mood or energy or frustration level that is at play when they don’t want to go…continue at least 3 or 4 times to get a real evaluation. And at the same time stress a positive value to commitment for those times.
Aversion to Messiness; Transitional Toys; Punctuality
Q: My child doesn’t like to get messy so how do I get a handprint momento?
A: How parents love that wonderful treasure of little hands in plaster of paris or the painted handprint--so small and precious. (Of course, a photograph of your child’s hands is always a possibility… or what about the muddy print on the wall…) But seriously, if your child does not like to get their hands gooey what will you do? First of all, when a child is uncomfortable with tactile sensations it is always best to trace the boundary of the two hands with a pencil, then they can color in the hands that they see on paper. Graduate from crayons, to colored pens, to paint. Later on, try coloring in the paper hands (or feet, or arms, or whole body—be creative) with some vanilla pudding. Start with a spatula or paint brush for strokes and then add a few drops of food coloring for effect. Let the child adjust to a feeling of something that is common and “safe”. (The color of paint and its sensations on his hands can be scary because it changes what is known about his body.) Next one can try soft jello, or oatmeal, or corn starch with water to expand the tactile sensation. Just remember to do these things with your child as you experiment with textures. They’ll love the camaraderie and just maybe they’ll learn to touch the different textures. Good luck!
Q: My son always has to bring a special toy or “lovey” wherever he goes (ie. shopping, school, visiting friends). Should this habit be discouraged?
A: At a young age children have their sense of self and their world represented by special toys or blankies…to have such things near them helps soothe and comfort as they go about with transitions in their daily lives. (Just imagine yourself without your purse and all it’s intriguing trappings inside…quite a sense of vulnerability, no?) Those toys and lovies are essential to the child because he’s established a trust with them, and they help carry this trust to the outside world. So don’t discourage, but do clean often!
A: How parents love that wonderful treasure of little hands in plaster of paris or the painted handprint--so small and precious. (Of course, a photograph of your child’s hands is always a possibility… or what about the muddy print on the wall…) But seriously, if your child does not like to get their hands gooey what will you do? First of all, when a child is uncomfortable with tactile sensations it is always best to trace the boundary of the two hands with a pencil, then they can color in the hands that they see on paper. Graduate from crayons, to colored pens, to paint. Later on, try coloring in the paper hands (or feet, or arms, or whole body—be creative) with some vanilla pudding. Start with a spatula or paint brush for strokes and then add a few drops of food coloring for effect. Let the child adjust to a feeling of something that is common and “safe”. (The color of paint and its sensations on his hands can be scary because it changes what is known about his body.) Next one can try soft jello, or oatmeal, or corn starch with water to expand the tactile sensation. Just remember to do these things with your child as you experiment with textures. They’ll love the camaraderie and just maybe they’ll learn to touch the different textures. Good luck!
Q: My son always has to bring a special toy or “lovey” wherever he goes (ie. shopping, school, visiting friends). Should this habit be discouraged?
A: At a young age children have their sense of self and their world represented by special toys or blankies…to have such things near them helps soothe and comfort as they go about with transitions in their daily lives. (Just imagine yourself without your purse and all it’s intriguing trappings inside…quite a sense of vulnerability, no?) Those toys and lovies are essential to the child because he’s established a trust with them, and they help carry this trust to the outside world. So don’t discourage, but do clean often!
Effective Goodbyes; Punctual Pickups; Handling a Frustrated Child
Q: Is it so bad if my child gets to school late?
A: We all know good habits are formed early on…yeah for being “on time”. However, something is even more essential for being there at the beginning of school. Settling into the routine of the school day is important not only for the general atmosphere but also for a sense of belonging to the cohesive group. Walking into a group that has already begun its activities is a mighty pressure. We’ve all felt the sensation: everyone is staring at me; what did I miss? I feel left out… It just feels awkward and not OK, so why put a child through such an ordeal? Plus, to be there at the start of a program puts value on the program as well as on the self. It commands a sense of commitment which is something you want to build in your child.
Q: How do I say goodbye to my child when I drop him off at school and he’s crying and clinging to me?
A: These wonderful histrionics are for your benefit to make you feel utterly guilty, guilty, GUILTY for leaving. Reassure your child with where you’re going, what you’ll be doing and when you will be returning. Give special hugs and kisses and perhaps a special word for the day, and then LEAVE. Plunk your child in the teacher’s arms who will promptly go to a window away from the door area to wave goodbye. Don’t linger! The moment you hesitate is the child’s cue to really lay it on. While you are chastising yourself in the next moments that follow, your child is most likely already engaged in a fun activity. Really, they are so much more resilient than we give credit. However if the detachment issue is more complicated, then work with the teacher on unique techniques for separation anxiety. But always reassure the child that you will be returning, perhaps with some special activity you can plan. (Remember to cherish these moments because soon enough your child will run into the school without so much as a backward glance and you’re left sputtering a lonely farewell.)
Q: Why is it so important to pick my child up on time, especially when I’m at the mercy of traffic?
A: You may know where you are and why, but what is going on in the child’s mind when he sees other parents arriving to take their kids home? The anxiety of abandonment comes flooding back with each passing moment. And if you are going to be late, call and let the school know so that the teacher can reassure the child and keep his mind occupied. Don’t assume it’s okay, my child will understand. What you do now will have direct impact on when your child is a teenager! (Can’t you just picture the roles reversed!) You are the model.
Q: My child gets so frustrated and angry, how can I help him?
A: There is nothing quite so important as an open and honest communication channel. But sometimes words just don’t come easily and it might help if the parent talks about anger and how it makes them feel. “I remember a time when I was so angry”…and then the stage is set to try ‘shredding newspaper’ together. Chances are after the pile of shreds a crumpling will ensue along with a wild and fun ‘newsball fight’. And don’t forget to pound the beanbag chair with a little energetic music as enticement…chances are after such wacky activities the door will open to sharing of thoughts…if anger persists there may of course be deep-seeded reasons which need to be addressed. But a little activity can go a long way to relieve the tensions!
A: We all know good habits are formed early on…yeah for being “on time”. However, something is even more essential for being there at the beginning of school. Settling into the routine of the school day is important not only for the general atmosphere but also for a sense of belonging to the cohesive group. Walking into a group that has already begun its activities is a mighty pressure. We’ve all felt the sensation: everyone is staring at me; what did I miss? I feel left out… It just feels awkward and not OK, so why put a child through such an ordeal? Plus, to be there at the start of a program puts value on the program as well as on the self. It commands a sense of commitment which is something you want to build in your child.
Q: How do I say goodbye to my child when I drop him off at school and he’s crying and clinging to me?
A: These wonderful histrionics are for your benefit to make you feel utterly guilty, guilty, GUILTY for leaving. Reassure your child with where you’re going, what you’ll be doing and when you will be returning. Give special hugs and kisses and perhaps a special word for the day, and then LEAVE. Plunk your child in the teacher’s arms who will promptly go to a window away from the door area to wave goodbye. Don’t linger! The moment you hesitate is the child’s cue to really lay it on. While you are chastising yourself in the next moments that follow, your child is most likely already engaged in a fun activity. Really, they are so much more resilient than we give credit. However if the detachment issue is more complicated, then work with the teacher on unique techniques for separation anxiety. But always reassure the child that you will be returning, perhaps with some special activity you can plan. (Remember to cherish these moments because soon enough your child will run into the school without so much as a backward glance and you’re left sputtering a lonely farewell.)
Q: Why is it so important to pick my child up on time, especially when I’m at the mercy of traffic?
A: You may know where you are and why, but what is going on in the child’s mind when he sees other parents arriving to take their kids home? The anxiety of abandonment comes flooding back with each passing moment. And if you are going to be late, call and let the school know so that the teacher can reassure the child and keep his mind occupied. Don’t assume it’s okay, my child will understand. What you do now will have direct impact on when your child is a teenager! (Can’t you just picture the roles reversed!) You are the model.
Q: My child gets so frustrated and angry, how can I help him?
A: There is nothing quite so important as an open and honest communication channel. But sometimes words just don’t come easily and it might help if the parent talks about anger and how it makes them feel. “I remember a time when I was so angry”…and then the stage is set to try ‘shredding newspaper’ together. Chances are after the pile of shreds a crumpling will ensue along with a wild and fun ‘newsball fight’. And don’t forget to pound the beanbag chair with a little energetic music as enticement…chances are after such wacky activities the door will open to sharing of thoughts…if anger persists there may of course be deep-seeded reasons which need to be addressed. But a little activity can go a long way to relieve the tensions!
First Pet; Bedtime Reading; First Musical Instrument
Q: My child is 2 1/2 and wants to have a pet so what would be a good choice for a first pet?
A: Because caring for the pet is such an important aspect of empathy for others and because of the child’s age, I do believe the best choice to be something a child can regard with his eyes and not necessarily his hands. So a goldfish is most appropriate because children can watch the movement in a fish bowl that is inhabited with colored gravel, plants and a magical ceramic castle or cave. This controls the inevitable desire to hold and squeeze with affection. Goldfish are colorful and really good eaters, so that the child must be taught a routine of when to feed and how much…this can be a consistent ritual that coincides with another routine every night such as getting on pajamas or brushing teeth. “Johnny, let’s brush our teeth then get all ready for bed so that we can feed Goldie and watch her before we say goodnight.” Or if your child has trouble getting up in the morning attach the daily feeding to a morning ritual before eating breakfast. Use the routine to an advantage . Start a conversation with your child as to what the fishie might do today or learn in school …You can set the tone for the day’s events by imagining what the day will bring for the fish as well as the child. And if your child likes a little more action, I remember growing up with guppies and checking every day on how many were in the tank…those little guys can really be hearty and multiply quickly! And of course care for the fishbowl is a good lesson for every child (not only for the health of your precious fish, but also for examples of ‘cleaning house’ and taking a bath.)
Q: Is the nighttime ritual of reading to your child really that important?
A: Absolutely! Reading to your child at night (or anytime for that matter) is so vital a connection between the both of you. Even if you are dog-tired, the bond of lying next to your child while he is quiet from the day’s events, is a warmth and comfort that represents the security of his world. You are providing your sole attention to your child, nothing else in the world matters at that momentous time. And, you are creating an environment in which the creative imagination can grow and develop. The sound of your voice is a soothing lullaby; the pictures created by your words are priceless; new vocabulary is being developed right then and there; and the sounds (phonetics) of words themselves are being reinforced. Also, you are creating a routine that is consistent (a ritual ), and that consistency makes for a well-adjusted social being. But it must also be mentioned that listening quietly to a story helps the rhythm of the body settle into a calmness in preparation for a relaxed night’s sleep. It will calm the parent as well, rather like a meditation. Do honor these important moments for your child and for yourself.
Q: My child is 3 years old and shows an interest in music. What would be a good first instrument for her to start on?
A: It is so wonderful to be able to respond to the sounds of music and hopefully a child has an early chance to be in an environment where there are a variety of instruments to experience—maracas, tambourines, drums, wooden flutes, xylophones, etc. One of the crucial questions is to observe what instrument your child gravitates towards. For example, if blowing through instruments is a desire, a wooden recorder can develop the breath control as well as the finger coordination for different notes (a scale) in preparation for later years with a flute, or saxophone or any of the wind instruments. If your child loves to bang on percussion instruments ,I wouldn’t run out and buy a drum set at this early age (they cost a lot) but rather supply her with a few basic children’s drums or else devote some old pots and pan lids to the cause (as well as a set of ear plugs). I would suggest strongly that exposure to a variety of instruments at this early age is essential for the enrichment and appreciation of the varying sounds and tones and playing techniques. A xylophone is a pre-requisite to the piano and if the child is really enthralled with such, then a keyboard (a small electric piano) is an instrument of choice that is basic to all musical instruments. You can learn tones and melody, rhythm, dynamics, tempo—knowledge which is essential to all instruments. Again, observe where your child’s interests are and don’t force practicing and lessons because this is the age of exploration. Leave the violin to the child prodigies. Explore and stimulate the general interest in music and let it be FUN! P.S. It’s even more fun when the parents play instruments, too!
A: Because caring for the pet is such an important aspect of empathy for others and because of the child’s age, I do believe the best choice to be something a child can regard with his eyes and not necessarily his hands. So a goldfish is most appropriate because children can watch the movement in a fish bowl that is inhabited with colored gravel, plants and a magical ceramic castle or cave. This controls the inevitable desire to hold and squeeze with affection. Goldfish are colorful and really good eaters, so that the child must be taught a routine of when to feed and how much…this can be a consistent ritual that coincides with another routine every night such as getting on pajamas or brushing teeth. “Johnny, let’s brush our teeth then get all ready for bed so that we can feed Goldie and watch her before we say goodnight.” Or if your child has trouble getting up in the morning attach the daily feeding to a morning ritual before eating breakfast. Use the routine to an advantage . Start a conversation with your child as to what the fishie might do today or learn in school …You can set the tone for the day’s events by imagining what the day will bring for the fish as well as the child. And if your child likes a little more action, I remember growing up with guppies and checking every day on how many were in the tank…those little guys can really be hearty and multiply quickly! And of course care for the fishbowl is a good lesson for every child (not only for the health of your precious fish, but also for examples of ‘cleaning house’ and taking a bath.)
Q: Is the nighttime ritual of reading to your child really that important?
A: Absolutely! Reading to your child at night (or anytime for that matter) is so vital a connection between the both of you. Even if you are dog-tired, the bond of lying next to your child while he is quiet from the day’s events, is a warmth and comfort that represents the security of his world. You are providing your sole attention to your child, nothing else in the world matters at that momentous time. And, you are creating an environment in which the creative imagination can grow and develop. The sound of your voice is a soothing lullaby; the pictures created by your words are priceless; new vocabulary is being developed right then and there; and the sounds (phonetics) of words themselves are being reinforced. Also, you are creating a routine that is consistent (a ritual ), and that consistency makes for a well-adjusted social being. But it must also be mentioned that listening quietly to a story helps the rhythm of the body settle into a calmness in preparation for a relaxed night’s sleep. It will calm the parent as well, rather like a meditation. Do honor these important moments for your child and for yourself.
Q: My child is 3 years old and shows an interest in music. What would be a good first instrument for her to start on?
A: It is so wonderful to be able to respond to the sounds of music and hopefully a child has an early chance to be in an environment where there are a variety of instruments to experience—maracas, tambourines, drums, wooden flutes, xylophones, etc. One of the crucial questions is to observe what instrument your child gravitates towards. For example, if blowing through instruments is a desire, a wooden recorder can develop the breath control as well as the finger coordination for different notes (a scale) in preparation for later years with a flute, or saxophone or any of the wind instruments. If your child loves to bang on percussion instruments ,I wouldn’t run out and buy a drum set at this early age (they cost a lot) but rather supply her with a few basic children’s drums or else devote some old pots and pan lids to the cause (as well as a set of ear plugs). I would suggest strongly that exposure to a variety of instruments at this early age is essential for the enrichment and appreciation of the varying sounds and tones and playing techniques. A xylophone is a pre-requisite to the piano and if the child is really enthralled with such, then a keyboard (a small electric piano) is an instrument of choice that is basic to all musical instruments. You can learn tones and melody, rhythm, dynamics, tempo—knowledge which is essential to all instruments. Again, observe where your child’s interests are and don’t force practicing and lessons because this is the age of exploration. Leave the violin to the child prodigies. Explore and stimulate the general interest in music and let it be FUN! P.S. It’s even more fun when the parents play instruments, too!
Food Allergies; Aggressive Language; Removing a Family Pet
Q: My child has so many food allergies, so what can I do to make him feel included when there’s a special occasion or school party where treats are served?
A: This is an excellent question that really needs to be addressed in this day and age as more and more food allergies are being documented. The most important job we can do as parents is to be on top of the situation and notify in writing of any specific allergy our child has. It is imperative to make sure that the caregiver or partygiver is made aware of the situation. Bring special treats to be on hand that your child can have and make sure these treats are placed on the same plates that everyone else is using (spiderman, Scooby-do, or whatever.) This way the child will still be included in the party and not feel so left out. If in a school setting, have a special cupcake with safe ingredients kept in the freezer of the school so that when unexpected treats arrive, there will always be something special for your child. Children are much more resilient than we sometimes realize and are themselves knowledgeable about their allergies so that they often understand the situation anyhow. But it is nice to feel not so different and to feel included in the festivities. Sometimes the parent can supply the gluten free or egg free goody to everyone…fresh fruit or jello are always favorites. A treat that can be had by the child can be shared by all. The extra time and consideration required is well worth the health of the child.
Q: How do I control my child’s aggressive language towards his siblings and playmates?
A: And here it comes ‘round again…the cyclical threats of “I’ll kill you with my super laser” or “pretend you’re dead…” Having taught children for over 25 years these themes seem to crop up as three and four year old children interact in dramatic play. I can remember being influenced by Westerns on television with the good guys pitted against the bad guys and guns were aplenty! But it is a new era now and fantasy and dramas are being replaced with cruel realities. I personally do not allow phantom weapons of any sort (guns, swords, knives) when dramatic play occurs because of the real cultural problems of modern day. Instead I intercede with a fantasy of magical power that does not “kill” but can control or change a course of events. The need to experience a sense of power or control is an important aspect of a child’s development and that is why it is always re-emerging. But children need to be taught that the words “kill” and “death” are more powerful than they know them to be. In their young lives they are just random words that they’ve picked up along the way and these words don’t have the same meaning as they would for adults. But we as parents and teachers need to guide the youngsters to be sensitized to the current meanings of such words and provide other words that can be used instead. One of the more horrific sentences that went rampant around a large preschool of 90 children was “I’m going to cut your head off”. Such aggressive language as that needs to be addressed immediately and discussed as hurtful to hear and stopped instantly. Our children pick up words they hear all the time and innocently try them out without thinking about feelings evoked. Unless we model correct choices and give guidance while they are very young, we will be fueling the desensitization that abounds in later years.
Q: We need to get rid of our family dog which is becoming more aggressive, so how do we go about the task without upsetting the children?
A: Certainly the family as a unit needs to know and understand the circumstance and reasons for the elimination of a pet. A thorough discussion amongst all members is imperative. The worst case scenario is to one morning just pop up with “Oh, Scruffy ran away during the night.” Children are so smart they can sense when something is untruthful. Nor is it wise to try and avoid discomfort by taking the animal away without so much as a goodbye from the children. Closure is so important to anyone and besides, what if the child thinks, “Oops, if it’s so easy to get rid of a family member, then what will happen to me if I misbehave?” Explain and make certain your child understands the ramifications of the decision, be it as a protective measure to ensure the family’s safety; be it that the animal is ill and suffering in pain; or any reason for such a disruptive decision. There needs to be a chance to say good-bye and that is a reality.
But what if a pet really does run off never to appear again, or what if it perishes due to unforeseen circumstances? Now the reality is mystifying and it may be even more traumatic due to the unknown. I know that when that situation occurred in my life as an adult, I had to write a song for our cat to fill the void. What does it feel like to lose a pet or even someone we love? We must acknowledge pain in such loss—it does exist. So how can we turn our feelings into a positive experience? Encourage the child to draw a picture, or select a special area in the yard to plant something and reflect, or write a song… “It’s not easy, what you love leaves you…” The message becomes clear that the pet’s spirit was a part of our lives and that it lives on through us. Memories are an important aspect of handling their death, so one just can’t slap on a band-aid and hope the child forgets, because the fact is, we don’t forget! *
* Contact Sandi for **You're It* CD and Parent/Teacher Book by e-mail [email protected]
A: This is an excellent question that really needs to be addressed in this day and age as more and more food allergies are being documented. The most important job we can do as parents is to be on top of the situation and notify in writing of any specific allergy our child has. It is imperative to make sure that the caregiver or partygiver is made aware of the situation. Bring special treats to be on hand that your child can have and make sure these treats are placed on the same plates that everyone else is using (spiderman, Scooby-do, or whatever.) This way the child will still be included in the party and not feel so left out. If in a school setting, have a special cupcake with safe ingredients kept in the freezer of the school so that when unexpected treats arrive, there will always be something special for your child. Children are much more resilient than we sometimes realize and are themselves knowledgeable about their allergies so that they often understand the situation anyhow. But it is nice to feel not so different and to feel included in the festivities. Sometimes the parent can supply the gluten free or egg free goody to everyone…fresh fruit or jello are always favorites. A treat that can be had by the child can be shared by all. The extra time and consideration required is well worth the health of the child.
Q: How do I control my child’s aggressive language towards his siblings and playmates?
A: And here it comes ‘round again…the cyclical threats of “I’ll kill you with my super laser” or “pretend you’re dead…” Having taught children for over 25 years these themes seem to crop up as three and four year old children interact in dramatic play. I can remember being influenced by Westerns on television with the good guys pitted against the bad guys and guns were aplenty! But it is a new era now and fantasy and dramas are being replaced with cruel realities. I personally do not allow phantom weapons of any sort (guns, swords, knives) when dramatic play occurs because of the real cultural problems of modern day. Instead I intercede with a fantasy of magical power that does not “kill” but can control or change a course of events. The need to experience a sense of power or control is an important aspect of a child’s development and that is why it is always re-emerging. But children need to be taught that the words “kill” and “death” are more powerful than they know them to be. In their young lives they are just random words that they’ve picked up along the way and these words don’t have the same meaning as they would for adults. But we as parents and teachers need to guide the youngsters to be sensitized to the current meanings of such words and provide other words that can be used instead. One of the more horrific sentences that went rampant around a large preschool of 90 children was “I’m going to cut your head off”. Such aggressive language as that needs to be addressed immediately and discussed as hurtful to hear and stopped instantly. Our children pick up words they hear all the time and innocently try them out without thinking about feelings evoked. Unless we model correct choices and give guidance while they are very young, we will be fueling the desensitization that abounds in later years.
Q: We need to get rid of our family dog which is becoming more aggressive, so how do we go about the task without upsetting the children?
A: Certainly the family as a unit needs to know and understand the circumstance and reasons for the elimination of a pet. A thorough discussion amongst all members is imperative. The worst case scenario is to one morning just pop up with “Oh, Scruffy ran away during the night.” Children are so smart they can sense when something is untruthful. Nor is it wise to try and avoid discomfort by taking the animal away without so much as a goodbye from the children. Closure is so important to anyone and besides, what if the child thinks, “Oops, if it’s so easy to get rid of a family member, then what will happen to me if I misbehave?” Explain and make certain your child understands the ramifications of the decision, be it as a protective measure to ensure the family’s safety; be it that the animal is ill and suffering in pain; or any reason for such a disruptive decision. There needs to be a chance to say good-bye and that is a reality.
But what if a pet really does run off never to appear again, or what if it perishes due to unforeseen circumstances? Now the reality is mystifying and it may be even more traumatic due to the unknown. I know that when that situation occurred in my life as an adult, I had to write a song for our cat to fill the void. What does it feel like to lose a pet or even someone we love? We must acknowledge pain in such loss—it does exist. So how can we turn our feelings into a positive experience? Encourage the child to draw a picture, or select a special area in the yard to plant something and reflect, or write a song… “It’s not easy, what you love leaves you…” The message becomes clear that the pet’s spirit was a part of our lives and that it lives on through us. Memories are an important aspect of handling their death, so one just can’t slap on a band-aid and hope the child forgets, because the fact is, we don’t forget! *
* Contact Sandi for **You're It* CD and Parent/Teacher Book by e-mail [email protected]
Night Terrors; Funny Anecdotes; Benefits of Being Silly
Q: My child woke up last night screaming and crying and no matter how much we tried to console him he wouldn’t be calmed. What was that?
A: It can be very frightening when your child wakes up in the middle of the night and you feel helpless in your attempts to comfort him. These nightmares have been termed “night terrors” and the reason your efforts are futile is because the child hasn’t really woken up. He is inside his dream so that your reassurances go unheard. That is not to mean you shouldn’t continue to cuddle him and hold him, but it is important for the parent to know that the child cannot respond. And the experts say do not try and awaken them, just ride it out. Oftentimes the child will not even remember the episode that was so traumatic to you. Sometimes they will remember it as a bad dream so then you can encourage them to talk about it. In the young child’s mind reality and imagination are doing a circus dance and the result can end up with the feeling of fear at high peak. I’ll never forget when my own son was three and he had such a realistic night terror he kept checking the wall of his room because “a bear had jumped through the wall at him.” The visual can remain for a lifetime. Although perplexing to parents, night terrors are real and quite normal in the growing up process. Just be sure to hold your child and say soothing words or sing songs to lull him back into a deeper sleep. This too shall pass.
It is summer time and so welcome back once more into the collection of The Funny Things Our Kids Say …
Q: Why do some schools have a “silly week” and is that beneficial for children?
A: Bravo to the schools that partake in a week of wackiness! There is nothing more charming than children entertaining themselves and each other with the permission to go “outside the box.” Thus is the birth of individualism and creativity! And schools that see and permit such a group presentation are full of frolic and wholesomeness. Do I sound biased? Actually I’ve always had a silly week tucked somewhere in the school year…dinosaurs, transportation, numbers, letters, shapes, and WAHOO. It can be a Pajama day and all are dressed in their jammies and slippers; how about a backwards and inside/out day; dress like Mommy or Daddy day; be your favorite animal day; wacky hair day; silly hat day; on and on…Not only does this stimulate the children’s imagination, it requires that the parents get involved in the silliness as well. Children adore things “off the wall” and feel a real camaraderie when parents participate too. The sense of permission also stimulates a child’s ego development. For all of these factors, a resounding YES to the question, it is beneficial!
A: It can be very frightening when your child wakes up in the middle of the night and you feel helpless in your attempts to comfort him. These nightmares have been termed “night terrors” and the reason your efforts are futile is because the child hasn’t really woken up. He is inside his dream so that your reassurances go unheard. That is not to mean you shouldn’t continue to cuddle him and hold him, but it is important for the parent to know that the child cannot respond. And the experts say do not try and awaken them, just ride it out. Oftentimes the child will not even remember the episode that was so traumatic to you. Sometimes they will remember it as a bad dream so then you can encourage them to talk about it. In the young child’s mind reality and imagination are doing a circus dance and the result can end up with the feeling of fear at high peak. I’ll never forget when my own son was three and he had such a realistic night terror he kept checking the wall of his room because “a bear had jumped through the wall at him.” The visual can remain for a lifetime. Although perplexing to parents, night terrors are real and quite normal in the growing up process. Just be sure to hold your child and say soothing words or sing songs to lull him back into a deeper sleep. This too shall pass.
It is summer time and so welcome back once more into the collection of The Funny Things Our Kids Say …
- Fireman Dan had come to our school and discussed “Stop! Drop! and Roll!” in the case of our clothes being on fire. When Alexandra came home she told mom that Fireman Dan taught them how to “Stop! Rock! And Roll!”
- I asked Colin “Did you get a haircut?” Colin replied, “Yeah, now I have more ears!”
- Michael was worried about his friend not being at school.”Pierce is sick? That stupid old bug made him sick! I’m gonna put frosting on that bug!”
- After getting all dressed up in dress up clothes (dress, hat, high heels), Michelle turned to her teacher, looking over her shoulder, batted her eyelashes and said, “I’m BAD!”
Q: Why do some schools have a “silly week” and is that beneficial for children?
A: Bravo to the schools that partake in a week of wackiness! There is nothing more charming than children entertaining themselves and each other with the permission to go “outside the box.” Thus is the birth of individualism and creativity! And schools that see and permit such a group presentation are full of frolic and wholesomeness. Do I sound biased? Actually I’ve always had a silly week tucked somewhere in the school year…dinosaurs, transportation, numbers, letters, shapes, and WAHOO. It can be a Pajama day and all are dressed in their jammies and slippers; how about a backwards and inside/out day; dress like Mommy or Daddy day; be your favorite animal day; wacky hair day; silly hat day; on and on…Not only does this stimulate the children’s imagination, it requires that the parents get involved in the silliness as well. Children adore things “off the wall” and feel a real camaraderie when parents participate too. The sense of permission also stimulates a child’s ego development. For all of these factors, a resounding YES to the question, it is beneficial!
Post Vacation; Socializing the Shy Child; Recognizing Signs of Frustration
Q: After a vacation my child wants to stay home with me and not go back to school, so how do I handle this?
A: Vacations with family can be such a wonderful experience that some children want the atmosphere and excitement to continue and not come to an end. Mom and Dad have been so focused on the child and it is a special feeling in a child’s life to have that closeness and attention. This should be validated. It would however be a good idea to explain that the parent may also have these feelings about not wanting to go back to work, or cleaning, or shopping, etc. and being apart from their child will be difficult. Once feelings are shared, parents can guide the conversation into how this is part of life to continue on with the routine and commitment of every-day living. One idea when the family arrives home is to recapture some of the highlights of the vacation while tucking the child into bed. That way parents can encourage the memories to remain and be shared the next day with the child’s schoolmates and teachers. It is not a good idea to succumb to the child’s pleas and let him stay away from school (unless of course, there is sickness or extreme tiredness).
Q: My three year old child is extremely shy around all outside people, so how do I get him to socialize and be comfortable?
A: The first step in socializing a very shy child is to introduce him into a small group setting such as a preschool or play group that has a very happy and fun-loving environment. A large and loud group setting can be overwhelming to the child and may cause further withdrawal. It should be a cohesive environment with a lot of creative arts. Something is bound to spark an interest, be it the music, the colors, the laughter. This kind of child needs to establish a sense of trust and comfort before he can venture forth. As with every child who is unique, the socialization process can vary in length of time. The most important thing for parent and teacher to remember is not to rush a situation. Patience is so valuable.
Oftentimes a child will start to respond to something that is silly and a sense of humor can be your biggest ally! When a smile peeks out from a shy child, that phenomenon can be the beginning of crossing over into the social realm. Because in spite of all the locked up fear a child might muster, the smile is an indicator of reaching beyond the self. And of course the approach to this child should always be one of invite with your own personal smile attached!
Q: COMMUNITY ALERT and INTERACTION NEEDED: How do children show their frustration?
A: In this day of overwhelming depression among children, teens, and adults, there is a huge concern surrounding frustration tolerance among our preschool age children. This topic needs an open dialogue among parents and teachers, and I encourage sharing information by writing [email protected]. From personal teaching experiences I’ve seen the symptoms of frustration among children depicted in a variety of ways: crying, clinging, sulking and pouting, withdrawal, tantrums—destructive behavior to self and /or others, uncontrolled flailing of limbs, destruction of property, the “I’m bored” syndrome, moodiness, and outright depression. We as teachers and parents need to be able to read the signs of frustration in order to intervene and untangle the web before it gets too bound up. I’m sure there are other behaviors that have been witnessed and we all need to share what we’ve encountered. Unresolved frustration can lead not only to depression and withdrawal but to anti-social behavior as well. We should be aware and interpret the signs in our young children and re-route their attention or remove the stimulus so as to eliminate any ongoing negative build-up. Please share your thoughts.
A: Vacations with family can be such a wonderful experience that some children want the atmosphere and excitement to continue and not come to an end. Mom and Dad have been so focused on the child and it is a special feeling in a child’s life to have that closeness and attention. This should be validated. It would however be a good idea to explain that the parent may also have these feelings about not wanting to go back to work, or cleaning, or shopping, etc. and being apart from their child will be difficult. Once feelings are shared, parents can guide the conversation into how this is part of life to continue on with the routine and commitment of every-day living. One idea when the family arrives home is to recapture some of the highlights of the vacation while tucking the child into bed. That way parents can encourage the memories to remain and be shared the next day with the child’s schoolmates and teachers. It is not a good idea to succumb to the child’s pleas and let him stay away from school (unless of course, there is sickness or extreme tiredness).
Q: My three year old child is extremely shy around all outside people, so how do I get him to socialize and be comfortable?
A: The first step in socializing a very shy child is to introduce him into a small group setting such as a preschool or play group that has a very happy and fun-loving environment. A large and loud group setting can be overwhelming to the child and may cause further withdrawal. It should be a cohesive environment with a lot of creative arts. Something is bound to spark an interest, be it the music, the colors, the laughter. This kind of child needs to establish a sense of trust and comfort before he can venture forth. As with every child who is unique, the socialization process can vary in length of time. The most important thing for parent and teacher to remember is not to rush a situation. Patience is so valuable.
Oftentimes a child will start to respond to something that is silly and a sense of humor can be your biggest ally! When a smile peeks out from a shy child, that phenomenon can be the beginning of crossing over into the social realm. Because in spite of all the locked up fear a child might muster, the smile is an indicator of reaching beyond the self. And of course the approach to this child should always be one of invite with your own personal smile attached!
Q: COMMUNITY ALERT and INTERACTION NEEDED: How do children show their frustration?
A: In this day of overwhelming depression among children, teens, and adults, there is a huge concern surrounding frustration tolerance among our preschool age children. This topic needs an open dialogue among parents and teachers, and I encourage sharing information by writing [email protected]. From personal teaching experiences I’ve seen the symptoms of frustration among children depicted in a variety of ways: crying, clinging, sulking and pouting, withdrawal, tantrums—destructive behavior to self and /or others, uncontrolled flailing of limbs, destruction of property, the “I’m bored” syndrome, moodiness, and outright depression. We as teachers and parents need to be able to read the signs of frustration in order to intervene and untangle the web before it gets too bound up. I’m sure there are other behaviors that have been witnessed and we all need to share what we’ve encountered. Unresolved frustration can lead not only to depression and withdrawal but to anti-social behavior as well. We should be aware and interpret the signs in our young children and re-route their attention or remove the stimulus so as to eliminate any ongoing negative build-up. Please share your thoughts.
Reasonable Academic Goals for a Young Child; Playing Alone or with Peers; Separation Anxiety
Q: How much academics does my three year old need?
A: Young three year olds need more social and emotional development rather than pre-school readiness skills of knowing all the letters and numbers. For example, acquisition of academics requires a developing attention span, a good sense of self and confidence, and trust in others. Those are the things that are necessary at this critical age. The ability to work in a group and alongside of other children the same age is paramount before concentration on academics. On the other hand, exposure to such is not necessarily a detrimental thing (because each child learns things at their own specific rate) but a drill in the academics is not critical at this age. Now is the time to play and enjoy being a child—frolic, romping, laughing, and creativity are the key components to further education. As these children become older threes, they are naturally going to be curious and want to explore the exciting world of academics. The solution is to make such an educational world fun and rewarding with challenges.
Q: Is it necessary to always play with peers? My child prefers to play alone. Is this okay?
A: Absolutely it is okay to enjoy playing alone. This fosters independence and self-sufficiency and the ability to solve problems on one’s own. However, the most important thing to realize is the feelings of your child. If your child is happy and content then there is very little to worry about. Later in life good friends will undoubtedly appear as your child learns to cooperate in group and social activities. On the flip-side, if a child enjoys his solitude to the point of exclusion of all other persons, the child will not develop within healthy norms. We are a communicative world living with other human beings and there needs to be social interaction in order to survive. Intervention will be a necessity.
Now if your child is frustrated and miserable and constantly expresses boredom, it is also imperative to assess the situation. This child is not comfortable with himself and has difficulty being inwardly motivated. A reliance on peers to energize this child can lead to multiple problems later on. Discussion and guidance becomes very important at this point and perhaps setting up a play date with one special friend (alternating houses) will help in the enjoyment of sharing. Every person has a different social agenda—some are very social creatures, others enjoy their solitude with a special few or even by themselves. None of these are incorrect; it is the personality preference of each child. If either is taken to an extreme however, it is up to teachers and parents to intervene accordingly. We must remember that it is the feelings of the child that must be taken into account which will honor his contentment path.
Q: Here we go again with separation anxiety…we’ve been through this before, why is it cropping up again?
A: Not to despair…this too shall pass. Just because you have gotten through this hurdle a year before doesn’t mean it will never happen again! Children have been on vacation and their focus has been on their families. Now there is a shift and school and school mates can feel a little estranged. The good thing is that this separation anxiety will not last as long, and soon the children will be in full school mode. (If not, write me again!)
A: Young three year olds need more social and emotional development rather than pre-school readiness skills of knowing all the letters and numbers. For example, acquisition of academics requires a developing attention span, a good sense of self and confidence, and trust in others. Those are the things that are necessary at this critical age. The ability to work in a group and alongside of other children the same age is paramount before concentration on academics. On the other hand, exposure to such is not necessarily a detrimental thing (because each child learns things at their own specific rate) but a drill in the academics is not critical at this age. Now is the time to play and enjoy being a child—frolic, romping, laughing, and creativity are the key components to further education. As these children become older threes, they are naturally going to be curious and want to explore the exciting world of academics. The solution is to make such an educational world fun and rewarding with challenges.
Q: Is it necessary to always play with peers? My child prefers to play alone. Is this okay?
A: Absolutely it is okay to enjoy playing alone. This fosters independence and self-sufficiency and the ability to solve problems on one’s own. However, the most important thing to realize is the feelings of your child. If your child is happy and content then there is very little to worry about. Later in life good friends will undoubtedly appear as your child learns to cooperate in group and social activities. On the flip-side, if a child enjoys his solitude to the point of exclusion of all other persons, the child will not develop within healthy norms. We are a communicative world living with other human beings and there needs to be social interaction in order to survive. Intervention will be a necessity.
Now if your child is frustrated and miserable and constantly expresses boredom, it is also imperative to assess the situation. This child is not comfortable with himself and has difficulty being inwardly motivated. A reliance on peers to energize this child can lead to multiple problems later on. Discussion and guidance becomes very important at this point and perhaps setting up a play date with one special friend (alternating houses) will help in the enjoyment of sharing. Every person has a different social agenda—some are very social creatures, others enjoy their solitude with a special few or even by themselves. None of these are incorrect; it is the personality preference of each child. If either is taken to an extreme however, it is up to teachers and parents to intervene accordingly. We must remember that it is the feelings of the child that must be taken into account which will honor his contentment path.
Q: Here we go again with separation anxiety…we’ve been through this before, why is it cropping up again?
A: Not to despair…this too shall pass. Just because you have gotten through this hurdle a year before doesn’t mean it will never happen again! Children have been on vacation and their focus has been on their families. Now there is a shift and school and school mates can feel a little estranged. The good thing is that this separation anxiety will not last as long, and soon the children will be in full school mode. (If not, write me again!)
Single Parenting; Dressing in the Morning; Parents and their Emotions
Q: When you are a single parent how do you refer to the absent parent when talking with your child?
A: This is a very important issue and being a single parent myself, I had some very wise counsel. One must take the strong emotions out of the equation especially if there is anger and hurt involved. A parent needs to stand back from the situation and view this dilemma from the child’s world. If one berates the absent parent and gives them such a negative aura this will have an affect on the child’s self worth. (After all, both parents were involved in the creation.) Furthermore, to justify how wonderful the single parent is in all the struggles that arise versus the absent parent only adds guilt to the child’s perception of himself. Later on when parent and child have disagreements, it is possible for the child to desire the missing parent solely in retaliation. Now confusion enters the mix… “if you’re so wonderful and the other parent is so terrible…” So let it be said to refrain from ‘dissing’ the absent parent in front of your child…a therapist can be a wonderful sounding board, not the child!
But then there is the flipside of over-enhancing the quality of the missing parent. For example, thinking the warm build-up of the missing father creates a more well-adjusted child, it can eventually be a disservice…When the child becomes older and realizes for himself negative feelings of not having a dad involved , he could distrust all that the mother has taught him. Thus the most important thing we can do for our child if we are a single parent is be straight and honest about the situation without succumbing our child to the emotional involvement. We have the gift, so let’s appreciate that and do our best with the situation without extraneous drama.
Q: My child can make such a fuss over what to wear in the morning, sometimes he even insists on staying in his pajamas when it’s time for school. Any suggestions?
A: This is such a classic! Let him come to school in his jammies and I’m pretty sure he won’t pull this stunt too often (unless he has the best pj outfit in the world that he wants to wear all the time.) Children are forever testing their boundaries and one of the most common arenas is in the clothing department. How many times have you tried to get your child to wear specific clothing and the next moment when you turn around, they are stark naked all over again…”I don’t want to wear that” echoes down the hallway with intermittent sobs. What would be so terrible to let them put on what they want to put on as long as it is warm and covering all the essential parts? It may look eccentric but they are accomplishing their fashion sense and autonomy. Mismatched socks are a statement of creativity or color blindness. The most important part of a child’s fashion should be utilization , warmth and comfort as well as creativity. Don’t despair, these phases of the clothes tussle do pass (maybe.) But if the morning struggle gets out of hand, let the pajamas stay on (plus a coat and shoes).
Q: My husband says I am too emotional in front of my children and that I shouldn’t cry or show any anger. What is your opinion?
A: Should parents show the uncomfortable emotions of sadness, anger, and frustration when their children are present? Parents are real human beings with the repertoire of all emotions. They are not solely robots of good will. Can you imagine the environment when it’s nothing but wan smiles and no rise and fall in emotions? How would our children learn to behave? Life is a full spectrum of positive and negative feelings, but the moderation of such is essential. It is okay to be angry as long as it is controlled and contained…uncontrolled yelling, screaming, destroying, and hitting are simply not acceptable in front of children. We are their role models. Allowing a child to know how we are feeling with honest and calming words will help the child learn to control his own anger. How we handle frustration will be how the child learns to handle frustration. If one is overcome by grief and remains absorbed in such, it is dangerous to drag a child down into our sea of tears. Regain control (that’s why we have therapists and confidants in our social structure) and let your child know you are struggling with the feelings. This will give them permission to live life in full, without hiding what’s really going on inside. Emotions are real and they can be dealt with in a constructive fashion as long as a parent has control and moderation on them. Acceptance and control of emotions is an essential tool for our children to learn.
A: This is a very important issue and being a single parent myself, I had some very wise counsel. One must take the strong emotions out of the equation especially if there is anger and hurt involved. A parent needs to stand back from the situation and view this dilemma from the child’s world. If one berates the absent parent and gives them such a negative aura this will have an affect on the child’s self worth. (After all, both parents were involved in the creation.) Furthermore, to justify how wonderful the single parent is in all the struggles that arise versus the absent parent only adds guilt to the child’s perception of himself. Later on when parent and child have disagreements, it is possible for the child to desire the missing parent solely in retaliation. Now confusion enters the mix… “if you’re so wonderful and the other parent is so terrible…” So let it be said to refrain from ‘dissing’ the absent parent in front of your child…a therapist can be a wonderful sounding board, not the child!
But then there is the flipside of over-enhancing the quality of the missing parent. For example, thinking the warm build-up of the missing father creates a more well-adjusted child, it can eventually be a disservice…When the child becomes older and realizes for himself negative feelings of not having a dad involved , he could distrust all that the mother has taught him. Thus the most important thing we can do for our child if we are a single parent is be straight and honest about the situation without succumbing our child to the emotional involvement. We have the gift, so let’s appreciate that and do our best with the situation without extraneous drama.
Q: My child can make such a fuss over what to wear in the morning, sometimes he even insists on staying in his pajamas when it’s time for school. Any suggestions?
A: This is such a classic! Let him come to school in his jammies and I’m pretty sure he won’t pull this stunt too often (unless he has the best pj outfit in the world that he wants to wear all the time.) Children are forever testing their boundaries and one of the most common arenas is in the clothing department. How many times have you tried to get your child to wear specific clothing and the next moment when you turn around, they are stark naked all over again…”I don’t want to wear that” echoes down the hallway with intermittent sobs. What would be so terrible to let them put on what they want to put on as long as it is warm and covering all the essential parts? It may look eccentric but they are accomplishing their fashion sense and autonomy. Mismatched socks are a statement of creativity or color blindness. The most important part of a child’s fashion should be utilization , warmth and comfort as well as creativity. Don’t despair, these phases of the clothes tussle do pass (maybe.) But if the morning struggle gets out of hand, let the pajamas stay on (plus a coat and shoes).
Q: My husband says I am too emotional in front of my children and that I shouldn’t cry or show any anger. What is your opinion?
A: Should parents show the uncomfortable emotions of sadness, anger, and frustration when their children are present? Parents are real human beings with the repertoire of all emotions. They are not solely robots of good will. Can you imagine the environment when it’s nothing but wan smiles and no rise and fall in emotions? How would our children learn to behave? Life is a full spectrum of positive and negative feelings, but the moderation of such is essential. It is okay to be angry as long as it is controlled and contained…uncontrolled yelling, screaming, destroying, and hitting are simply not acceptable in front of children. We are their role models. Allowing a child to know how we are feeling with honest and calming words will help the child learn to control his own anger. How we handle frustration will be how the child learns to handle frustration. If one is overcome by grief and remains absorbed in such, it is dangerous to drag a child down into our sea of tears. Regain control (that’s why we have therapists and confidants in our social structure) and let your child know you are struggling with the feelings. This will give them permission to live life in full, without hiding what’s really going on inside. Emotions are real and they can be dealt with in a constructive fashion as long as a parent has control and moderation on them. Acceptance and control of emotions is an essential tool for our children to learn.
Slowing Down the Overactive Child; BAD WORDS; Sick Pets
Q: Whenever I go outside with my two boys, all they ever want to do is be extremely active running me ragged…how can I get them to slow down and enjoy nature?
A: You are so right that “outside” does not always have to mean tearing around like a wild rabbit. However, children do have a huge capacity for energy, so let them run about a bit while you put your plan in motion. A bug catcher is nice to have handy, along with a trowel for digging in the dirt…focus in on the earth and plants and have the children put on their detective eyes and ears. The various bugs can be put into an aquarium for observation, and various food sources, rocks, and hiding places will need to be added. Give them names and write down the different inhabitants. How about expanding into a bug city or community (they might like to have a swimming pool or golf course). Give the bugs different occupations…who’s the doctor or who will take out the garbage? You might even have a launch site for a rocket that will carry a chosen bug into outer space…the ideas can go on forever and be as wacky as your imagination! Another detective idea is how many different colors and kinds of leaves can be found and then make a scrapbook on the patio table. Or rearrange twigs for a fort (ah, the bugs can enjoy this as well)! Another neat idea is to make a treasure hunt and keep the children searching all over the yard while at the same time appreciating nature and quiet discovery. Reward all with a nice cool glass of lemonade.
Q: My dad is always saying “bad words” and then if we children say those words we get into all sorts of trouble. How can we teach our parents to be better role models?
A: What a clever young person you are to want to guide your parents’ behavior! This seems to be a somewhat prolific problem parents face and the popular consensus of the family is that it’s Dad who salt and peppers the English language. I’ll never forget when I was growing up we had a sweet little parakeet that one evening let the most embarrassing swear words out amongst her cheeps…yup, sounded like something our Dad had often said! And that’s just a bird. What happens when your precious child tries on some of those words for size? It’s just not fair the punishment that ensues... Yes we need to teach our children the acceptable language, but first we must own up to where those words were heard in the first place. And if we are the guilty party, we must explain that we will do all in our power not to use those “loaded words.” So family can help each other out by having a “vacation fund” set aside and each time a “bad word” escapes, plunk… in goes a contribution. (The worst offender has to put in at least a dollar, or five—depending on where the family wants to go on their vacation!) By making this a family affair it makes the entire subject approachable and will help train the children as well. Just remember, the adults are the role models for acceptable behavior.
Q: Our family pet just went through a sickness and it doesn’t seem to register with my children that he needs to recover in a quiet surrounding. How can I make them understand?
A: I heard tell of an afflicted cat who was trying to recover and Mom came in to find the boys swinging the poor kitty in a blanket and around in circles while screeching with laughter. They weren’t doing it to be mean, they’re just young boys who want to play with their cat. So how do you impart the wisdom of nurturing and care especially when one is under the weather? First of all, when there is someone sick in the household, be it pet or family member, it is important to take some quiet time to explain the necessity for that sick person to have rest and calm in order to recover. Remind the child of when they were feeling sick…what was it like? How did they want their surroundings? What made them feel better, a soft touch and voice or a wild, yelling rumpus? When they can recall their own feelings then their empathy is sharpened towards others. Patience in explanation is so important to building a nurturing sensibility.
A: You are so right that “outside” does not always have to mean tearing around like a wild rabbit. However, children do have a huge capacity for energy, so let them run about a bit while you put your plan in motion. A bug catcher is nice to have handy, along with a trowel for digging in the dirt…focus in on the earth and plants and have the children put on their detective eyes and ears. The various bugs can be put into an aquarium for observation, and various food sources, rocks, and hiding places will need to be added. Give them names and write down the different inhabitants. How about expanding into a bug city or community (they might like to have a swimming pool or golf course). Give the bugs different occupations…who’s the doctor or who will take out the garbage? You might even have a launch site for a rocket that will carry a chosen bug into outer space…the ideas can go on forever and be as wacky as your imagination! Another detective idea is how many different colors and kinds of leaves can be found and then make a scrapbook on the patio table. Or rearrange twigs for a fort (ah, the bugs can enjoy this as well)! Another neat idea is to make a treasure hunt and keep the children searching all over the yard while at the same time appreciating nature and quiet discovery. Reward all with a nice cool glass of lemonade.
Q: My dad is always saying “bad words” and then if we children say those words we get into all sorts of trouble. How can we teach our parents to be better role models?
A: What a clever young person you are to want to guide your parents’ behavior! This seems to be a somewhat prolific problem parents face and the popular consensus of the family is that it’s Dad who salt and peppers the English language. I’ll never forget when I was growing up we had a sweet little parakeet that one evening let the most embarrassing swear words out amongst her cheeps…yup, sounded like something our Dad had often said! And that’s just a bird. What happens when your precious child tries on some of those words for size? It’s just not fair the punishment that ensues... Yes we need to teach our children the acceptable language, but first we must own up to where those words were heard in the first place. And if we are the guilty party, we must explain that we will do all in our power not to use those “loaded words.” So family can help each other out by having a “vacation fund” set aside and each time a “bad word” escapes, plunk… in goes a contribution. (The worst offender has to put in at least a dollar, or five—depending on where the family wants to go on their vacation!) By making this a family affair it makes the entire subject approachable and will help train the children as well. Just remember, the adults are the role models for acceptable behavior.
Q: Our family pet just went through a sickness and it doesn’t seem to register with my children that he needs to recover in a quiet surrounding. How can I make them understand?
A: I heard tell of an afflicted cat who was trying to recover and Mom came in to find the boys swinging the poor kitty in a blanket and around in circles while screeching with laughter. They weren’t doing it to be mean, they’re just young boys who want to play with their cat. So how do you impart the wisdom of nurturing and care especially when one is under the weather? First of all, when there is someone sick in the household, be it pet or family member, it is important to take some quiet time to explain the necessity for that sick person to have rest and calm in order to recover. Remind the child of when they were feeling sick…what was it like? How did they want their surroundings? What made them feel better, a soft touch and voice or a wild, yelling rumpus? When they can recall their own feelings then their empathy is sharpened towards others. Patience in explanation is so important to building a nurturing sensibility.
Thank You Notes; Healthy Eating; Handling the Influence of a Disruptive Child
Q: Are Thank You notes really necessary and if so, when is a child old enough to start writing them?
A: Thank you notes to Grandma and Grandpa are a tradition of yesteryear that shows the graciousness and respect of a culture…when did this disappear? I remember my Mother reminding me to sit down and write that note that made the recipient feel so good (it seemed like such a chore when I just wanted to play, but in hindsight I am so grateful she insisted.) Young children would benefit from the guidance of appreciation from the git -go…does the note have to be written in words at age 2 or would a nice “picture” suffice? It is the thoughtfulness that needs to be enhanced in every young child, be it a telephone call, note, e-mail, or scribble which is delivered by a parent. The person who gave a token of love somehow needs to be acknowledged. Is it time consuming? Of course. But is it necessary? Indeed! Our society is becoming so expectant of things (the “gimme it’s mine” syndrome) that appreciation is withering away. It takes conscious effort to model the genuine thankfulness for what is given to us. It is the basis of good manners to say thank you when something comes our way. If we forget how to do that then we will become quite uncivilized. Is there a trend in this direction? Each person must answer that and if there is a trickle of truth, it is up to us adults to role model for our youngsters. That said, when there are birthday parties, the presents are often torn into non-stop one after the other…who gave what becomes a detective’s plight. Each present received would benefit the giver with a polite thank you and acknowledgment before moving onto the next. What we begin at the earliest age (birth) becomes a part of our empathetic nature as we mature.
Q: How do I get my child to eat his lunch at school? It comes home again with one bite out of a sandwich, the fruit untouched, and the treats gone.
A: Well, well, well…welcome to the dilemma of the lunch bunch crunch. Because children are such social beings a lot of curiosity and playfulness goes on at this hour. Sitting in close proximity the youngsters enjoy seeing what their mates have for lunch (sometimes even begging or taking a morsel of their neighbors’ food), trading bites, or even trading lunches as they get older. You slaved over the perfect, most nutritious sandwich ever built and it goes unwanted by your beloved. Worse, it may end up in the garbage can as lunchtime is over and your child has been too busy horsing around with the others to eat at all. Time for a talk with the teacher who can rearrange seating in order to optimize eating. Asking in the morning what your child feels like eating for lunch becomes a dramatic comedy/tragedy as the tastebuds so vehemently change by noon (eww...I don’t like salami and cheese). So what to do? Perhaps presenting small portions and a larger variety of healthy foods—minus any candy—in several small containers would feel more appealing; different colors and textures help in the choices. In this age of food allergies it is important that the teacher oversee any swapping of goodies as well as watching that the most nutritious food is chosen first (not the drink, certainly not the treat). But one of the most frustrating experiences I have encountered is when parents demand for their child to eat all of the lunch…this has backfired into a generalization of not only disliking food but also disliking going to school. We as parents need to realize forcing a child to eat has negative consequences. Nature is such that they will eat when the need strikes.
Q: My normally well-behaved child is starting to hang around a very disruptive child at school and I’m seeing some changes I don’t like.
A: First of all it is time to run interference and have a frank talk with the teacher who sees the school environment in a fuller picture. The influence of peers is a reality at age 2 years or 12 years or 22 years, etc. Here comes the nature/nurture question. At young ages your child will emulate the people he or she is in contact with; that is why parents are such important role models in the beginning. And then peers come to the forefront. At an early age you have a strong influence on the peer situation. However, just forbidding a child not to hang with a certain buddy is ineffective. Rather, it is important to help your child see the consequences of such misbehavior of the friend; why is that person always so disruptive or naughty; what do you think would help that child? Coming to the conclusion that acting like that particular child would not only be no help to him at all, and would be no help to your own child either, taps into empathetic awareness. You want to build up the ability of your child to self monitor and control his own behavior. The teacher has some tools too. Separation of the peers at crucial moments before misbehavior is rampant is critical. Similar information can be given the children to help their buddies to control themselves, and at the same time techniques can be used to help the disruptive child build self-monitoring tools. Just keeping the peers away from each other is not the end-all solution for resolving the conflict. We can learn to help each other evaluate the situations and intrinsically choose the wanted behavior. With a firm foundation of awareness and choice children will always be choosing their own peers. And if and when interference reminders are necessary, this early lesson may be your saving grace.
A: Thank you notes to Grandma and Grandpa are a tradition of yesteryear that shows the graciousness and respect of a culture…when did this disappear? I remember my Mother reminding me to sit down and write that note that made the recipient feel so good (it seemed like such a chore when I just wanted to play, but in hindsight I am so grateful she insisted.) Young children would benefit from the guidance of appreciation from the git -go…does the note have to be written in words at age 2 or would a nice “picture” suffice? It is the thoughtfulness that needs to be enhanced in every young child, be it a telephone call, note, e-mail, or scribble which is delivered by a parent. The person who gave a token of love somehow needs to be acknowledged. Is it time consuming? Of course. But is it necessary? Indeed! Our society is becoming so expectant of things (the “gimme it’s mine” syndrome) that appreciation is withering away. It takes conscious effort to model the genuine thankfulness for what is given to us. It is the basis of good manners to say thank you when something comes our way. If we forget how to do that then we will become quite uncivilized. Is there a trend in this direction? Each person must answer that and if there is a trickle of truth, it is up to us adults to role model for our youngsters. That said, when there are birthday parties, the presents are often torn into non-stop one after the other…who gave what becomes a detective’s plight. Each present received would benefit the giver with a polite thank you and acknowledgment before moving onto the next. What we begin at the earliest age (birth) becomes a part of our empathetic nature as we mature.
Q: How do I get my child to eat his lunch at school? It comes home again with one bite out of a sandwich, the fruit untouched, and the treats gone.
A: Well, well, well…welcome to the dilemma of the lunch bunch crunch. Because children are such social beings a lot of curiosity and playfulness goes on at this hour. Sitting in close proximity the youngsters enjoy seeing what their mates have for lunch (sometimes even begging or taking a morsel of their neighbors’ food), trading bites, or even trading lunches as they get older. You slaved over the perfect, most nutritious sandwich ever built and it goes unwanted by your beloved. Worse, it may end up in the garbage can as lunchtime is over and your child has been too busy horsing around with the others to eat at all. Time for a talk with the teacher who can rearrange seating in order to optimize eating. Asking in the morning what your child feels like eating for lunch becomes a dramatic comedy/tragedy as the tastebuds so vehemently change by noon (eww...I don’t like salami and cheese). So what to do? Perhaps presenting small portions and a larger variety of healthy foods—minus any candy—in several small containers would feel more appealing; different colors and textures help in the choices. In this age of food allergies it is important that the teacher oversee any swapping of goodies as well as watching that the most nutritious food is chosen first (not the drink, certainly not the treat). But one of the most frustrating experiences I have encountered is when parents demand for their child to eat all of the lunch…this has backfired into a generalization of not only disliking food but also disliking going to school. We as parents need to realize forcing a child to eat has negative consequences. Nature is such that they will eat when the need strikes.
Q: My normally well-behaved child is starting to hang around a very disruptive child at school and I’m seeing some changes I don’t like.
A: First of all it is time to run interference and have a frank talk with the teacher who sees the school environment in a fuller picture. The influence of peers is a reality at age 2 years or 12 years or 22 years, etc. Here comes the nature/nurture question. At young ages your child will emulate the people he or she is in contact with; that is why parents are such important role models in the beginning. And then peers come to the forefront. At an early age you have a strong influence on the peer situation. However, just forbidding a child not to hang with a certain buddy is ineffective. Rather, it is important to help your child see the consequences of such misbehavior of the friend; why is that person always so disruptive or naughty; what do you think would help that child? Coming to the conclusion that acting like that particular child would not only be no help to him at all, and would be no help to your own child either, taps into empathetic awareness. You want to build up the ability of your child to self monitor and control his own behavior. The teacher has some tools too. Separation of the peers at crucial moments before misbehavior is rampant is critical. Similar information can be given the children to help their buddies to control themselves, and at the same time techniques can be used to help the disruptive child build self-monitoring tools. Just keeping the peers away from each other is not the end-all solution for resolving the conflict. We can learn to help each other evaluate the situations and intrinsically choose the wanted behavior. With a firm foundation of awareness and choice children will always be choosing their own peers. And if and when interference reminders are necessary, this early lesson may be your saving grace.
The "Biter"; Comic Relief; Children and Television
Q: How does one handle a child who bites other children?
A: Beware the Biter! This is one of the most discouraging social interactions that crops up during the early pre- school years and can be disheartening and downright dangerous to others. Biting is an aggressive action that needs immediate controls to eradicate the behavior…so how does one stop it? First of all there is a reason for such behavior—a child can feel threatened, insecure, overwhelmed, and angry to lunge out with a fateful chomp. It is imperative to discover the causes behind the mannerism, and thus be able to eliminate the trigger that unleashes it. Some children can be monitored in a somewhat controlled environment by critical and constant observation, with early intervention being the key to warding off any biting response. But some children are so quick in their actions that it resembles a snake striking out at its victim. This learned behavior of course must have consequences (ie. immediate removal from the group of children). How many schools just downright expel the biter? This does not help remedy the problem for the one who bites. Sometimes the biter gets bitten himself by another child, but we don’t want to breed aggressive behavior. And we don’t want the other children in the environment to suffer any bites. So what to do?
Remove the child from a large environment into a smaller group setting so that the frustration level is lower and the one in charge can monitor more completely any arising situations. Pin a washcloth on the child’s collar so that if the urge arises he can bite down on the material instead of another youngster’s skin. He will be aware of this additional clothing and that can be a good reminder that he should not bite others. While still under constant observation, hug the child and reward him with positive attention when he handles a social situation correctly. Reinforce the positive self controls, and do not give up!
It is now time for some comic relief…the following excerpts are from my collection of “The Funny Things Our Kids Say”...
Q: How do I pull my child away from the television when she gets so absorbed she doesn’t want to do anything else?
A: Television, computer games, and the computer can be very mesmerizing to the point it is difficult to get a child interested in doing other things. Thus this may be the beginning of a sedentary life style or of an absorption into a relationship which excludes social interaction. If the child is very young and begins this habit she will likely be less responsive to reading books, interacting with others, exploring the real world, art creativity, gross motor games, etc. When we think about it, all these electronics can be very educational if monitored carefully for content, but they tend to do everything for us. Furthermore, we are dealing with a machine and not human contact. Thus it is imperative to limit the time that is spent and it is up to the parents to set the limits. How easy to plunk a two year old in front of cartoons so that we can get some work done around the house. But what if those chores turn into more than an hour or what if the child sits complacently being bombarded with messages that may be inappropriate? Some parents use the television as a substitute baby-sitter and this is absolutely negligent (especially with some of these commercials that are better left unseen by young eyes...or any eyes for that matter!)
Electronics are not substitutes for the human connection that is so desperately needed in the developmental years. So it is important to limit the time for each electronic (later on in the child’s years this would apply to cell phones, ipods, and such.) The younger the child the shorter the time limit: pre-school age could be a half hour to an hour…if it is a movie then sit down and enjoy it with your child; if it is an educational computer game the maturity of the child determines the length of attention span, but certainly after an hour run some interference with a snack and some parental chatter with your child. It is so very important to keep the creative side flowing and this must always be encouraged. So parents, you are much more valuable than any television program or computer game, and the limits you set now will be vital in later years!
A: Beware the Biter! This is one of the most discouraging social interactions that crops up during the early pre- school years and can be disheartening and downright dangerous to others. Biting is an aggressive action that needs immediate controls to eradicate the behavior…so how does one stop it? First of all there is a reason for such behavior—a child can feel threatened, insecure, overwhelmed, and angry to lunge out with a fateful chomp. It is imperative to discover the causes behind the mannerism, and thus be able to eliminate the trigger that unleashes it. Some children can be monitored in a somewhat controlled environment by critical and constant observation, with early intervention being the key to warding off any biting response. But some children are so quick in their actions that it resembles a snake striking out at its victim. This learned behavior of course must have consequences (ie. immediate removal from the group of children). How many schools just downright expel the biter? This does not help remedy the problem for the one who bites. Sometimes the biter gets bitten himself by another child, but we don’t want to breed aggressive behavior. And we don’t want the other children in the environment to suffer any bites. So what to do?
Remove the child from a large environment into a smaller group setting so that the frustration level is lower and the one in charge can monitor more completely any arising situations. Pin a washcloth on the child’s collar so that if the urge arises he can bite down on the material instead of another youngster’s skin. He will be aware of this additional clothing and that can be a good reminder that he should not bite others. While still under constant observation, hug the child and reward him with positive attention when he handles a social situation correctly. Reinforce the positive self controls, and do not give up!
It is now time for some comic relief…the following excerpts are from my collection of “The Funny Things Our Kids Say”...
- During calendar Sandi told the kids that January was almost over and asked if anyone knew the next month to come. She gave them a hint by telling them that the new month began with “F”, and they all yelled “Fanuary”!
- We were all talking about “101 Dalmatians” and how mean Cruella De Ville was. The children said Cruella stole the puppies’ fur, and Bianca said, “Yeah, and she didn’t even say please!”
- Sandi was reading a story to the children and there was a picture of a woman wearing a hat with flowers on it. Sandi asked, “What’s in that woman’s hat?” Alex replied, “A head.”
- When asked what color of paint she wanted, Michelle replied, “Pink, because it’s the color of my life!”
Q: How do I pull my child away from the television when she gets so absorbed she doesn’t want to do anything else?
A: Television, computer games, and the computer can be very mesmerizing to the point it is difficult to get a child interested in doing other things. Thus this may be the beginning of a sedentary life style or of an absorption into a relationship which excludes social interaction. If the child is very young and begins this habit she will likely be less responsive to reading books, interacting with others, exploring the real world, art creativity, gross motor games, etc. When we think about it, all these electronics can be very educational if monitored carefully for content, but they tend to do everything for us. Furthermore, we are dealing with a machine and not human contact. Thus it is imperative to limit the time that is spent and it is up to the parents to set the limits. How easy to plunk a two year old in front of cartoons so that we can get some work done around the house. But what if those chores turn into more than an hour or what if the child sits complacently being bombarded with messages that may be inappropriate? Some parents use the television as a substitute baby-sitter and this is absolutely negligent (especially with some of these commercials that are better left unseen by young eyes...or any eyes for that matter!)
Electronics are not substitutes for the human connection that is so desperately needed in the developmental years. So it is important to limit the time for each electronic (later on in the child’s years this would apply to cell phones, ipods, and such.) The younger the child the shorter the time limit: pre-school age could be a half hour to an hour…if it is a movie then sit down and enjoy it with your child; if it is an educational computer game the maturity of the child determines the length of attention span, but certainly after an hour run some interference with a snack and some parental chatter with your child. It is so very important to keep the creative side flowing and this must always be encouraged. So parents, you are much more valuable than any television program or computer game, and the limits you set now will be vital in later years!
When a Friend Moves Away; Hot Weather & Children
Q: My child is so sad because her best friend from preschool graduated in preparation for Kindergarten. Molly isn’t old enough and has one more year of preschool but now she doesn’t want to go. How do I handle this situation?
A: It is the ritual of life…when we’re younger, we can’t wait to be older; conversely when we’re older we wish we were…well you know how it goes! Children who “graduate” from preschool are looked up to and admired and their school mates envy that position. It is a natural course of events. Thus those children who are a year younger want to feel just as important and it requires some gentle communication to let them know that their next year in preschool will be so special and valuable. They will become the role models for the younger children and will have their own unique celebration. Here is learning the lesson of patience. Everything has it’s own place and time of development and, wanting to bypass such, would be losing the joy each moment has to offer. Acceptance of each situation is important to learn.
And what about the “graduate” leaving the nest of the comfortable preschool environment with all the known and beloved friends…is this not often a case of the frights? How often is heard the whimper, “But I don’t want to leave my preschool…” In each case an honest discussion and acknowledgment of feelings is critical. Listen to your child. The feelings are legitimate and should not be ignored. Also, a promise for a visit to the former school just to say hi is always an option!
In a parallel situation involving change, when friends move away it is terribly sad and difficult to understand when you’re a young life. How will the connection be kept and the friendship be able to evolve? Sending pictures, notes, and drawings to the friend is a wonderful way to ease the pain of separation, and we’re in the age of e-mails and phone calls as well. This can also be done between the “graduate” and the “still-a-preschooler”. Although new friends are always made and the pang of separation and ‘moving on’ diminishes, at least the transition is kept in a more positive light. Letting your child know that making new friends is a great challenge and opportunity of even more fun is also very important.
Q: An important tip for the hot weather when your child is in school:
A: Due to the recent wave of hot weather conditions, I feel it to be very necessary to remind parents to send a chilled or iced water bottle with each child to school or to any activity that requires several hours. At this young age children can be responsible for knowing when they are thirsty and they need to have the opportunity to satisfy their thirst as a well-being skill. This sense of responsibility is important for their health as well as for the ability to take control of their health. Their own water bottle with their name on it becomes a symbol of independence and the accessibility of such generates the child’s awareness. One other note, be sure to put sunscreen on your child every morning as a part of getting dressed and prepared for the day. This ritual in hot weather will have its rewards later on when children are older and do it for themselves. Like a good habit! Thanks for letting me sound off!
A: It is the ritual of life…when we’re younger, we can’t wait to be older; conversely when we’re older we wish we were…well you know how it goes! Children who “graduate” from preschool are looked up to and admired and their school mates envy that position. It is a natural course of events. Thus those children who are a year younger want to feel just as important and it requires some gentle communication to let them know that their next year in preschool will be so special and valuable. They will become the role models for the younger children and will have their own unique celebration. Here is learning the lesson of patience. Everything has it’s own place and time of development and, wanting to bypass such, would be losing the joy each moment has to offer. Acceptance of each situation is important to learn.
And what about the “graduate” leaving the nest of the comfortable preschool environment with all the known and beloved friends…is this not often a case of the frights? How often is heard the whimper, “But I don’t want to leave my preschool…” In each case an honest discussion and acknowledgment of feelings is critical. Listen to your child. The feelings are legitimate and should not be ignored. Also, a promise for a visit to the former school just to say hi is always an option!
In a parallel situation involving change, when friends move away it is terribly sad and difficult to understand when you’re a young life. How will the connection be kept and the friendship be able to evolve? Sending pictures, notes, and drawings to the friend is a wonderful way to ease the pain of separation, and we’re in the age of e-mails and phone calls as well. This can also be done between the “graduate” and the “still-a-preschooler”. Although new friends are always made and the pang of separation and ‘moving on’ diminishes, at least the transition is kept in a more positive light. Letting your child know that making new friends is a great challenge and opportunity of even more fun is also very important.
Q: An important tip for the hot weather when your child is in school:
A: Due to the recent wave of hot weather conditions, I feel it to be very necessary to remind parents to send a chilled or iced water bottle with each child to school or to any activity that requires several hours. At this young age children can be responsible for knowing when they are thirsty and they need to have the opportunity to satisfy their thirst as a well-being skill. This sense of responsibility is important for their health as well as for the ability to take control of their health. Their own water bottle with their name on it becomes a symbol of independence and the accessibility of such generates the child’s awareness. One other note, be sure to put sunscreen on your child every morning as a part of getting dressed and prepared for the day. This ritual in hot weather will have its rewards later on when children are older and do it for themselves. Like a good habit! Thanks for letting me sound off!
Working Late Hours; Separation Anxiety; Aversion to Jackets
Q: I have to work at night and it is very stressful for myself and for my children…is there any magic remedy to help this situation?
A: Dependant on the hour you must be at work, there are some nightly routines that can be followed. For one, there is dinnertime when the entire family is gathered and information of the day is shared (yes, children are encouraged to converse, too). Then there is bath time, which can be a comforting and fun time, too (giggles readily accepted with bubbles). And then there is the wonderful cuddling at bedtime when a bednight story is read or a creative story unfolds. At any point in the evening ritual if you must leave for work, the security is indeed threatened and so creativity must take a front seat with the other parent at the helm. However the routine should remain a constant. One parent ingeniously created a bedtime story ritual by, (prior to leaving for the night,) having the child choose a story and the working parent would read the story over the phone. What we’re concerned about is the connectivity of our family structure. We are a society that has to work in order to function appropriately and there needs to remain a connection between all family members. That is why it’s so important to have a “Take your child to work” day and “Take your parents to school” day. Security and continuity are priceless for young children, and understanding the workings of a family unit is vital. Thus before leaving for work at night there should be some unique ritual shared between the working parent and child (a story, a cuddle time, a walk together).
Q: Our two year old is going through a separation anxiety. He’s all right when he goes to pre-school but if my husband goes on a business trip or a long bike ride, or if I even go out for a few hours, he gets very naughty when we get home. Is this normal?
A: And when you return, your child begins acting out in all the ways he knows how to get your full attention—throwing things, doing all the no-no’s imaginable…Yes, this can be very typical behavior. You are being scolded for “leaving” him and throwing his little world topsy-turvy. It’s different when a child knows he’s going to be somewhere safe and comfortable (i.e. school or Grandma’s house)—he knows the routine. But remember, it may have taken quite a few times to understand that situation. Imagine at home when his world is mainly one or both parents surrounding him, and now that coziness is disrupted for a few hours and he’s “left behind”. For him it is frightening and you’ll pay for that! Always explain beforehand what you will be doing, for how long, and how you’ll be sending love messages the whole time—it is a matter of keeping connected. It is reassurance and repeated experiences that are needed to convince your child that you always return.
I have to chuckle and relate the incidences of leaving a pet behind when you go on vacation…they are known to pee on your pillow or shred your belongings just to prove how mad they are that you left them behind!!! Aggravating? Yes. Normal? Unfortunately so!
Q: My child refuses to wear a jacket even if it’s cold. What do I do?
A: When all the wonderful convincing, cajoling, and scientific explanations fail to budge the child into submission and the clock is ticking, do get on your way to where you are going and do have the jacket in the front seat. Chances are your child will insist she is NOT cold as she marches onward in determination. However, clever parent that you are, the jacket comes with you and remains at the child’s destination. Rather than a struggle of wills that would only escalate into a full-blown tantrum (your child is aiming her sense of autonomy right at you) your wisdom comes in knowing that physical sensation will win. When the child is outside she will complain that she is cold and the person in charge can mysteriously produce the infamous jacket. The need for warmth overpowers that sense of stubbornness. Now you have won! Sometimes we have to “bend the arrow” for our child’s welfare.
A: Dependant on the hour you must be at work, there are some nightly routines that can be followed. For one, there is dinnertime when the entire family is gathered and information of the day is shared (yes, children are encouraged to converse, too). Then there is bath time, which can be a comforting and fun time, too (giggles readily accepted with bubbles). And then there is the wonderful cuddling at bedtime when a bednight story is read or a creative story unfolds. At any point in the evening ritual if you must leave for work, the security is indeed threatened and so creativity must take a front seat with the other parent at the helm. However the routine should remain a constant. One parent ingeniously created a bedtime story ritual by, (prior to leaving for the night,) having the child choose a story and the working parent would read the story over the phone. What we’re concerned about is the connectivity of our family structure. We are a society that has to work in order to function appropriately and there needs to remain a connection between all family members. That is why it’s so important to have a “Take your child to work” day and “Take your parents to school” day. Security and continuity are priceless for young children, and understanding the workings of a family unit is vital. Thus before leaving for work at night there should be some unique ritual shared between the working parent and child (a story, a cuddle time, a walk together).
Q: Our two year old is going through a separation anxiety. He’s all right when he goes to pre-school but if my husband goes on a business trip or a long bike ride, or if I even go out for a few hours, he gets very naughty when we get home. Is this normal?
A: And when you return, your child begins acting out in all the ways he knows how to get your full attention—throwing things, doing all the no-no’s imaginable…Yes, this can be very typical behavior. You are being scolded for “leaving” him and throwing his little world topsy-turvy. It’s different when a child knows he’s going to be somewhere safe and comfortable (i.e. school or Grandma’s house)—he knows the routine. But remember, it may have taken quite a few times to understand that situation. Imagine at home when his world is mainly one or both parents surrounding him, and now that coziness is disrupted for a few hours and he’s “left behind”. For him it is frightening and you’ll pay for that! Always explain beforehand what you will be doing, for how long, and how you’ll be sending love messages the whole time—it is a matter of keeping connected. It is reassurance and repeated experiences that are needed to convince your child that you always return.
I have to chuckle and relate the incidences of leaving a pet behind when you go on vacation…they are known to pee on your pillow or shred your belongings just to prove how mad they are that you left them behind!!! Aggravating? Yes. Normal? Unfortunately so!
Q: My child refuses to wear a jacket even if it’s cold. What do I do?
A: When all the wonderful convincing, cajoling, and scientific explanations fail to budge the child into submission and the clock is ticking, do get on your way to where you are going and do have the jacket in the front seat. Chances are your child will insist she is NOT cold as she marches onward in determination. However, clever parent that you are, the jacket comes with you and remains at the child’s destination. Rather than a struggle of wills that would only escalate into a full-blown tantrum (your child is aiming her sense of autonomy right at you) your wisdom comes in knowing that physical sensation will win. When the child is outside she will complain that she is cold and the person in charge can mysteriously produce the infamous jacket. The need for warmth overpowers that sense of stubbornness. Now you have won! Sometimes we have to “bend the arrow” for our child’s welfare.
